I am sure that I have mentioned this before, but the strangeness of it is hitting me a lot since Christmas: I am in a different “stage” of life. Friends right around my age (give or take a few years) are entering religious orders, getting married, and seriously dating. It was such a short time ago that we ran around as [relatively] careless children, and giggled about “when we grow up”. The dreams that we discussed are in many ways different than the course of life…things that we never dreamed of came into our life and changed our views. I guess that is just a long winded way of saying that we are growing up. So this time of life is the beginning of the future. Commitments that are made now will have a huge impact on years to come.
There is a loneliness to this age. Everyone goes their own way, acquiring many responsibilities and losing contact with most of the people that have touched their lives. Friends that were once close drift away, leaving wonders of their life in one’s thoughts. For pessimistic me, it causes doubt that friendships ever last. And I can sense that friendships are different now; spending time just having fun is oftentimes dissatisfying…there is a delicacy and reservedness that either holds back or causes awkwardness. Somewhere there is a special niche of happiness for me; I just wish I could find it. Everything has such a finite nature and existence. I know that the only place I will find happiness is in heaven, so I guess my life will just be spent in searching for the way to get there. 🙂
There is a balance required of learning from the past, living in the present, and preparing for the future; I think I used to be better at it than I am now. And now I will just echo what I wrote in May 2007:
“I guess these are the times that God gives me to remind me of my own nothingness. The times that I drag in the dirt, looking up and crying that I want to be ‘up’. And yet from my own power I cannot do anything. I need Love to give me something to live for; I need to remember what I live for. Times to remind me that I am called to ‘know, love, and serve God’…not focusing on being stronger than everyone else, but ‘just’ striving to remain strong in Christ.”