This past week has been one of emotional ups and downs … I do not think I have posted anything about going to college yet, except as a “special intention” – so I will try to explain a little.
Earlier this spring, I received the link to the website of a new school that started out in San Diego, CA: John Paul the Great Catholic University. I watched their video and it piqued my interest; my Mom immediately got excited and thought I would really like it there. I am often slow in getting started on things, particularly when they take effort that I am not used to…it took me a long time to decide to apply, longer to fill out the application, and even longer to complete the application with letters of recommendation. I finally sent in the final envelope last Monday (June 4th); on Friday evening (June 8th), I received a telephone call that I was accepted to the University! Since then, I have been excited about the opportunity as well as stressing myself out over financing. As a result of being stressed out (self imposed for not trusting God enough, I think…) the essays for a scholarship and financial aid have been more difficult to write. I finally have one done, hopefully the other will come together soon.
I think this is a great opportunity for me – in many ways, a dream come true. The fear part comes in primarily because of the cost. Any debt at all is unnerving to me, and the idea of taking on the amount of debt necessary to go to this school is sickening. But…I have been thinking a lot about it this past week, and it seems like God is using this to send me an invitation to greater trust in Him. One of my greatest fears is being dependant on others; I want to be the one to help, not the one that needs help. The arguments in my heart have been somewhat like this: “Trust!” “Don’t be ridiculous. You know you can’t afford it; do you want to be tied to debt for the rest of your life?” “Trust!” “You haven’t managed to save much at all for college yet, how are you going to pay it off if you fail to graduate?” “Trust!” ” *sigh* ” Rationally, it does not seem like that big of a dilemma, but emotionally it is a struggle.
College is the main reason that I have been trying to get more hours at work, and searching for a second job. The economy in this area is terrible – and sometimes it seems like anyone in the entire world must have more experience than I do in anything. This week I was anticipating actually getting 40 hours – but then I was sent home early on Thursday. It is so frustrating…
If I truely trusted God, I think it would have been easier to view being sent home early on Thursday as a blessing. I am so fickle … I am both thankful and disappointed. I was thankful for the break, because I miss being at home and with my siblings – and I spent the afternoon running in the water with them. We had a blast! 😀 I made their day, which makes me happy. 🙂
Last evening I opened up my Imitation of Christ, and the words jumped out at me: “All disquiet of heart and distraction of the senses arise from inordinate love and vain fear.” It is amazing how sometimes God speaks through a written word…sometimes He speaks through a conversation…sometimes He speaks through our heart…sometimes He just speaks through His Presence. God sends me so many “love notes” through Schoenstatt, my family, my friends, creation; I only wish to love Him in a fraction of that perfection, in the way He wishes.
“Whoever serves others selflessly is on the way to true royalty … “ – Fr. Joseph Kentenich
Pray for me, that I may be more ordered and God-pleasing in my love; that I may learn true selflessness; and that I can accept the great invitation to radically trust with joy.